Hi, I'm Susannah - Owner, and co-admin of Christian Survivors.


I'm a domestic abuse, and spiritual abuse survivor from England, in my late twenties. I left an abusive marriage in the May of 2003, and have been working on healing from that experience ever since. I am an NICU nurse by profession, but due to disabilities which have me housebound much of the time, I am unable to work as a nurse at present. So ... I spend much of my time working on, and participating in the forums at CS. It is my home, more than any place has ever been!





So Who Am I Really?


Most people on our forums will know my name from admin posts around the board, but there is of course much more to me than just my role on CS. I hope that this profile will give a little insight into who I really am!



I'm a survivor first and foremost, working on my issues and my healing just as our members here are. I love my work at CS, and give as much time and energy to working there and spending time on the boards as is possible. My role there is often very much behind the scenes nowadays - getting caught up in the paperwork side of things here; and working alongside the staff team to support them in their roles here, and to help set up new programmes or groups. I don't get anywhere near enough time on the public boards as I would like - and really miss the close contact I used to have with members there. (But hey - someones gotta do my job lol)





Pieces of me ....!


I love art, and am an avid collector of fine art. My favourite artists are currently William Whittaker, John William Waterhouse, Marjole Gulinski, Jonathon Earl Bowser, & Selina Fenech; I love art, design, & architecture from the Art Nouveau period; I love reading fiction - my favourite authors are JRR Tolkein, Arthur Ransome, Elizabeth George, & Tami Hoag ... I have a growing collection of old collectable hardbacks, mainly Tolkein, & various childrens authors; I love watching movies with my friends; I'm addicted to 24 & Stargate; My favourite place to eat out is an Italian resturant called Ask; My favourite ice cream is Haagen Daaz Pralines & Cream; My favourite perfume is Elizabeth Ardens 5th Avenue; I love candles, and burning essential oils - I find it really relaxing; I love my dogs! ... I have 2 white west highland terriers and they pulled me through my marriage!; I get annoyed with junk mail and telesales representatives; I hate to study!!!!;





I have a vision of seeing the Church in Britain become a place that is safe and healing for survivors of abuse ... It angers me that so many church leaders & members misunderstand and mistreat survivors of abuse; I love being with friends who are ok with me just being me!; I love being with people who are real, and friendships where I can experience genuine intimacy ... I prefer to spend my time with people who are willing to share their lives with me, than those who want superficial or surface friendships; I am not 'religious' ... I have a relationship with God - it's Him who can bring me healing. He amazes me every day with his acceptance and love!; I want my home to be somewhere that is safe for other survivors; I hate it when people judge one another unfairly!; I hate it when people put unrealistic expectations on me;






My Story


My story is pretty 'normal' in the realms of domestic abuse, and, sadly also in the domain of church-inflicted spiritual abuse. I married at a relatively young age (21), to a christian guy from my church. (a vibrant evangelical church, where I had been closely involved for a number of years) I guess in the haze of being in love, I ran into things much too quickly, and we married far before he was ready for it - and without my really seeing what was beneath the surface of the 'nice guy' he portrayed. (isn't hindsight wonderful??) Very quickly after we married, the cracks started to show. My husband did not adjust to married life as I had expected ... and within the space of just a few months, he had started to become increasingly agressive, violent, and verbally / emotionally abusive & neglectful.





We had spent time with one of our church leaders prior to the wedding, to do a marriage prep course ... so when we started having problems, I contacted them pretty quickly looking for help. Over the next few months and years, we were passed around from couple to couple, as no-one really knew how to deal with such an extreme situation. Over and over, these untrained counsellors tried to address the problems in our marriage by changing me, rather than confronting my husband. (Their hearts were in the right place, but their misguided help only heaped guilt onto me for something that was not my fault.)

During those first couple of years of marriage, I really struggled emotionally. My work life suffered. My relationship with God suffered. I was in so much pain and I just didn't know where to turn. I was even afraid to allow my doctor to prescribe antidepressants for me, for fear that I would be labelled 'unsorted' by my church. Eventually things reached a real crisis point at home, & I left my husband.





Believing that it was what God would have wanted of me, I ended up going back to my husband just 6 months later - on the understanding that he would see a marriage counsellor with me, and would not be violent towards me. Once back in the marriage, I found myself in a position where all the promises that had been made to me while we were apart had disintegrated. I spent a further 3 years with him, trying desperately to mend the marriage .... during which time I heard many mixed & wrong messages about my expected role as a christian wife, and my own blame in the situation - making me more confused and hurt than ever!





Eventually I reached a point where my health was suffering so badly, and my anxiety levels were so high, that I had to admit that I just couldn't do it anymore. I couldn't make the marriage work - because to do that, my husband had to be willing, & not just me. So, I decided, for the second time, to leave. I knew that this time I wouldn't be going back.

I recieved many mixed messages from my church leaders, and friends during the first few months after I left. I chose to not go to church on a sunday anymore, because he would be there, (the church refused to 'take sides' and ask him to leave) and so my contact with people was more limited. I remained in a small group there, where I tried to explain my situation and recieve support ... but I was told that I could not tell the group that my husband had abused me, because that would be 'branding him an abuser'. (duh!)





Eventually, I came to see that I would never heal whilst stuck in that environment ... and I left the small group, and cut off contact with the church leaders. I tried to keep in touch with personal friends, but one by one, they all dissappeared .... as if seeing me would force them to accept truths they didn't want to know.

Now, nearly two years on, I know that the decision I made to leave my marriage was the best I ever made ... despite the loss of most of my friends, and my church. My divorce is in progress; I'm in therapy; I have moved to a new house (which I love); and I am starting to find happiness!! ... My life is beginning to come together again. I'm not 'healed' by any means, but I'm getting there - and I am sharing the journey with an awesome group of people!!