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I’m from the Northern Midwest, USA. I’m from a blended family of five boys and three girls and the eight of us represent five parental sets! Each of my seven siblings are my half brothers and sisters, either having a different mother or father than myself.
I was first abused sexually at age two years and twenty months (almost three years old) by a brother who was twelve. In my state in the early 80’s, Human Services promoted keeping the family together and giving help (aka “cure the abuser”). My brother was taken from the family and put into foster care. I don’t remember a whole lot, just enough to know the basics of what happened through body memories and short flashes of scenes.
In 5th grade my paternal grandfather started sexually abusing me. It went on for five years. I don’t think it was “undetected,” but I believe my family was in denial and to this day many of them believe I lied. It’s really ironic actually--my shame made me hide it because I was afraid they’d hate me. Well, I hid it so well that they hate me because “I lied” and I feel shame from that still.
As a Senior High School Student (9th grader), I learned that my mother was physically abusive to four of my siblings when I was a baby. This wasn’t surprising, but tore my world upside down because mom lied to me and has never admitted any wrong doing. To this day she minimizes it and believes there should be no issues with my siblings. My mom has always been verbally abusive to me and we’ve had a “challenging” relationship.
As a college student, I also experienced some spiritual abuse. I am just recently learning how deep these wounds run and how hard it is to replace the falsehoods I was taught with the Truth, found in the Lord. I came to Christ as a 9th grader on March 15, 1997. I have been a Christian for eight years and I really believe it’s because of God that I am alive today.
I never coped with any of my past abuses. I stuffed it all down deep inside. I denied its affects and refused to believe I could be a healed person. During the Fall of 2000, my depression led me to write the words “My Prayer” in the margin of my Bible next to this passage:
Psalm 69:13-16
“But I keep right on praying to you, Lord, hoping this is the time you will show me favor. In your unfailing love, O God, answer my prayer with your sure salvation. Pull me out of the mud; don’t let me sink any deeper! Rescue me from those who hate me, and pull me from these deep waters. Don’t let the floods overwhelm me, or the deep waters swallow me, or the pit of death devour me. Answer my prayer, O LORD, for your unfailing love is wonderful. Turn and take care of me, for your mercy is so plentiful.”
I still find myself praying this each day. Through the praying, I believe God led me to Christian Survivors and to my therapist. It took some time for me to open up at CS, but it took five therapists for me to find “the one” whom God wanted to use in my life. I still go regularly and have been taking small baby steps towards healing.
Through the depression I began to clearly see that, through I felt alone, I really wasn’t. I have learned that feelings lie and you need to be alert to that fact. Isaiah 40: 27-31 states:
“O Israel, how can you say the LORD does not see your troubles? How can you say God refuses to hear your case? Have you never heard or understood? Don’t you know that the LORD is the everlasting God, the Creator of all the earth? He never grows faint or weary. No one can measure the depths of his understanding. He gives power to those who are tired and worn out; he offers strength to the weak. Even youths will become exhausted, and young men will give up. But those who wait on the LORD will find new strength. They will fly high on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not faint.”
God brought me to this passage on one of those dreadful days when I was ready to give up and call it quits. I am so thankful to learn I don’t have to worry about being strong enough, or being weak--God will supply me with what I need.
I’ve had to realize also that I am in a battle. Abuse and the can of leeches it opened was eating at me from the inside out. I struggle with anger, balancing college with my Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, flashbacks, shame issues, fear of people, and being involved with very destructive romantic relationships. I often would feel so alone. Thankfully, God brought me to another passage. 1 Peter 5:7-9 states:
“Give all your worries and cares to God, for he cares about what happens to you. Be careful! Watch out for attacks from the Devil, your great enemy. He prowls around like a roaring lion, looking for some victim to devour. Take a firm stand against him, and be strong in your faith. Remember that your Christian brothers and sisters all over the world are going through the same kind of suffering you are.”
It’s no secret that CS was founded by someone from England. It’s a guarantee that as a member of CS, you meet people from very diverse backgrounds and locations. I believe God heard my cries alone and how much I wish I had a network of supporters who understood. I’m active in a Small Group at CS and it’s really helped me with this struggle.
Another deep struggle I had was looking at myself in the mirror and looking beyond the shame and guilt, and seeing who I really was. I still am working on the shame issue, but I’ve come to see that the guilt wasn’t mine to hold onto. I didn’t do anything wrong. In realizing this, I began to ask God, “WHY?” Why abuse? Why allow it? Romans 8:28 says:
“And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose of them.”
While I still don’t know why God allowed it, my focus shifted from “why” to “take it away and use it.” That is what I hope being a Staff Member at CS does--lets God use what happened to be to touch others’ lives. All ready I know my faith has been strengthened. I was encouraged to learn “even though Jesus was God’s Son, He learned obedience from the things he suffered,” Hebrews 6:8. While I may not always see God’s hand today, I know He’s at work in my life.
“You made a way through the sea and paths through the deep waters, but your footprints were not seen.” ~Psalm 77:19~
Sunbeamgurl is a member of the support staff team and her role specifically involves working with
the younger members of the forum in our under 24's forums.
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