Surviving Emotional Pain

**Brina** · 17-05-2005, 06:28

Extremely dangerous and terrifying events...are almost always experienced as traumatic because of their severe intensity and because of the tremendous sense of powerlessness that often occurs. Most people who live through them are haunted by extreme anxiety, nightmares, and memories for weeks (and many times for months or years) after the event itself. Such tragedies profoundly affect a person’s sense of safety in the world and can unleash agonizing questions about the meaningfulness and fairness of life.

Take some time to reflect on your own painful experiences, to admit to yourself that your emotional pain is real, to recognize that countless others face similar circumstances, and to allow yourself some modest optimism that you may be able to grow beyond the pain.

People in emotional pain often make three primary errors: (1) they believe that stressful life events are “no big deal,” and if hard times do occur, the pain should go away quickly. (2) They engage in a ruthless attack on their worth as human beings: “I shouldn’t feel this way.” “ I must be crazy.” “There’s something wrong with me.” (3) They compare their pain with that of other people: “It could be worse. Others suffer more.”

Certain natural emotional healing processes and mechanisms exist within the human psyche. For example, something about crying promotes healing, yet, many people have learned early in life that they should not cry. For them, crying is a sign of weakness or inadequacy. But, an emotional loss not resolved, like any unhealed wound, may continue to be a source of tremendous (psychological) pain for many years to come.

Certain amounts of pain can be tolerated, but beyond a certain point, pain can be overwhelming for everyone. Pop psychology has suggested that it’s good to “get in touch with your feelings,” however, caution is important.

The unearthing of strong feelings must be done at the proper time, in a proper context of safety and trust, and at their own pace.

Emotions are our main source of aliveness and – at times of severe stress – of tremendous human suffering, It’s healthiest to allow yourself to experience your feelings within your own “zone of emotional tolerance.”

Characteristics of Emotional Health:

1. Ability to feel emotions deeply

2. Ability to identify and understand inner feelings and needs

3. Self-entitlement: it’s okay to feel good about yourself

4. Self-assertion: it’s okay to express yourself

5. Self-soothing: taking care of yourself

6. Capacity for intimate relationships

7. Commitment

8. Permission to be human, ordinary

Very major events have lasting effects, however, with time and emotional healing, the anguish decreases in intensity and the memory of the painful event slips into the background. At some point, people start to feel “normal” again.

During times of emotional crisis people can take steps to more successfully ride out emotional storms:

to have others understand and accept your feelings,

to find outlets for honest self-expression,

to care for basic physical and emotional needs,

to express or affirm your own inner beliefs and values.

Three primary approaches have been shown to be quite effective in reducing some of the symptoms associated with life stress: changing unhealthy habits, relaxation, and appropriate use of medications.

http://www.impactpublishers.com/crisis/preston.htm

Giselle · 17-05-2005, 07:02

thanks Brina! (have you been reading my mind though) :)

breadlady1225 · 17-05-2005, 07:26

Brina...Thanks. This was very appropriate for me right where I am at now in my healing.

Antoinette · 24-05-2005, 00:52

Thank you Brina this was very good and helpful. I know for me emotional pain has been one of the hard ones for me to deal with only for the fact that it is so "unseen" and so I always used to tell myself that it wasnt a big thing compared to the other things i have been through. Unfortunately it not being a big thing is so far from reality. Ive realized that even though I didnt acknowledge its effects the effects were/are still there in how we see oursleves and how we have let people treat us based on our self worth. Anyway thanks for sharing this.
Antoinette

Seuss · 29-06-2005, 21:55

Thank you for the very helpful information.

**Ddubya** · 02-02-2006, 19:48

(((Brina))))) Somehow I missed this the first time around..... thank you!

WitsEnd · 02-02-2006, 20:43

{{{{{ brina

whew. on top of all of the physical pain right now ... i'm really aware of a lot of emotional pain. it's hard enough to manage self-care regarding the physical needs and limitations ... but tossing the emotional baggage on top lately has put me into a real tailspin. :sigh:

appropriately using medications is one of my current approaches ... well supervised use of the pain medications as well as something for the anxiety and insomnia. they are working probably to the best of their abilities, but fall far short of the needs.

there is the real frustration ... that the things that keep popping up and overwhelming me are "situational" ... "circumstances" that i have no means of controlling. and they blind-side me. knock me off my feet. leave me in a heap feeling that i've been run over by not just a mack truck but by a whole convoy of them {all of whom then stopped, backed up and went over me a 2nd time before going back over me yet again}

i struggle with trying to keep things in perspective. the pressures of NOW vs waiting upon God's timing. i know that curling up and hiding solves nothing. but there are times when i don't know how else to handle it. it isn't running into a brick wall .... it is finding that a brick wall has been constructed all the way around me and no one rememerbered to leave a door or gate in it.

today ..... i'm trying to focus on Him. trying to remember that He is sovereign. that He is Lord of all. that He has plans for me, to prosper me and not to harm me, but to give me hope and a future. but somedays ... it's mighty hard to focus.

Witsey

**Bugsy** · 02-02-2006, 21:59

(((((Brina))))) i somehow missed this too...good info, thanks for posting this :)

c_turtlez · 03-02-2006, 00:18

Thank you for sharing this Brina.

cwigl · 03-02-2006, 02:58

((((Brina))))
I feel like you have gotten inside my head, and know exactly what i feel like right now. We are facing one of the most difficult time of our lives, and I don't know how to feel... i just make myself go blank... and that hurts. I worry for my husband, because he just pushes it away... won't admit that our daughter is so sick... but i know, admit it...but won't let myself feel. Thanks for this post. I really needed to read it. Probably will read it over and over again.
cj

**Brina** · 03-02-2006, 03:11

(((((((great big grouphug)))))))))

appleblossom · 03-02-2006, 03:28

(((Brina))) Thank you. A lot of this is what I have been feeling.

debbiej · 03-02-2006, 04:39

Brina :hug: Thanks for this. This is exactly what I've been going through. I also tried to ignore it and pretend that nothing was wrong. It caught up with me though to the point I couldn't function in my job. I now have 3 months off to work some of this out with my T. We're trying new meds, and therapy which involves the anger and rage I have at my dad. I haven't been able to express that yet- It's too scary. Thanks for writing so well what many of us are feeling. I don't feel so alone with my feelings and fears. debbiej

connieb7 · 03-02-2006, 15:48

Well, I've committed the second and third primary errors. I hear the phrases in the second error in my head a lot. And I've told myself the third error, because I was taught to by previous pastors, in their attempt to counsel me.
Thank you for helping me to see that these are lies.

Erin · 22-02-2006, 20:20

Thanks Brina. I really needed to read this, it is so much me.

Jsea · 05-07-2008, 02:53

Thanks for reposting this, Ann! Very good.

aslan's girl · 05-07-2008, 02:59

thanks

Angel Wings · 05-10-2008, 01:39

What I would like to know. Can we ever get pass the emotional pain? It will come to an end won't it? How do you heal of the trauma?

**Brina** · 05-10-2008, 03:27

good questions to ask your therapist angel wings and to work out a plan for therapy and the direction you would like it to go in.

Katey · 05-10-2008, 16:48

Brina,
these resources are soooo extremely helpful to me! Thank you!! katey

Angel Wings · 06-10-2008, 01:29

Well, October 21-23 I'm going somewhere to get some help on some of my issues of now. Thanks Brina.

**Ann** · 16-10-2008, 15:52

(((angel wings)))

Angel Wings · 17-10-2008, 04:18

I also have a c apt. Nov. 6. So I should get pretty healed up.

Luvs2Dance · 18-10-2008, 16:56

thanks Brina!This is very helpful

**Ann** · 13-01-2009, 16:24

(((angel wings)) (((luv2dance))

thebrightside · 24-01-2009, 11:27

this was exactly what i needed to read today.....

**Ann** · 25-01-2009, 03:41

I am glad thebrightside! It is good info!:)

cantsleep · 06-09-2009, 21:23

glad to have the reaffirming info.

blessing · 15-01-2010, 01:36

Thanks a bunch Brina.

Wonder where you get your ra-ther accurate info from at times.
The Net can be rather misleading. =)

17-05-2005, 06:28	#1
Brina Senior Staff Support Staff Small Group Moderator PA to Small Group Coordinator Join Date: Jun 2002 Location: Australia Posts: 24,732 Gender: F Mood: No Hugs	Surviving Emotional Pain Extremely dangerous and terrifying events...are almost always experienced as traumatic because of their severe intensity and because of the tremendous sense of powerlessness that often occurs. Most people who live through them are haunted by extreme anxiety, nightmares, and memories for weeks (and many times for months or years) after the event itself. Such tragedies profoundly affect a person’s sense of safety in the world and can unleash agonizing questions about the meaningfulness and fairness of life. Take some time to reflect on your own painful experiences, to admit to yourself that your emotional pain is real, to recognize that countless others face similar circumstances, and to allow yourself some modest optimism that you may be able to grow beyond the pain. People in emotional pain often make three primary errors: (1) they believe that stressful life events are “no big deal,” and if hard times do occur, the pain should go away quickly. (2) They engage in a ruthless attack on their worth as human beings: “I shouldn’t feel this way.” “ I must be crazy.” “There’s something wrong with me.” (3) They compare their pain with that of other people: “It could be worse. Others suffer more.” Certain natural emotional healing processes and mechanisms exist within the human psyche. For example, something about crying promotes healing, yet, many people have learned early in life that they should not cry. For them, crying is a sign of weakness or inadequacy. But, an emotional loss not resolved, like any unhealed wound, may continue to be a source of tremendous (psychological) pain for many years to come. Certain amounts of pain can be tolerated, but beyond a certain point, pain can be overwhelming for everyone. Pop psychology has suggested that it’s good to “get in touch with your feelings,” however, caution is important. The unearthing of strong feelings must be done at the proper time, in a proper context of safety and trust, and at their own pace. Emotions are our main source of aliveness and – at times of severe stress – of tremendous human suffering, It’s healthiest to allow yourself to experience your feelings within your own “zone of emotional tolerance.” Characteristics of Emotional Health: 1. Ability to feel emotions deeply 2. Ability to identify and understand inner feelings and needs 3. Self-entitlement: it’s okay to feel good about yourself 4. Self-assertion: it’s okay to express yourself 5. Self-soothing: taking care of yourself 6. Capacity for intimate relationships 7. Commitment 8. Permission to be human, ordinary Very major events have lasting effects, however, with time and emotional healing, the anguish decreases in intensity and the memory of the painful event slips into the background. At some point, people start to feel “normal” again. During times of emotional crisis people can take steps to more successfully ride out emotional storms: to have others understand and accept your feelings, to find outlets for honest self-expression, to care for basic physical and emotional needs, to express or affirm your own inner beliefs and values. Three primary approaches have been shown to be quite effective in reducing some of the symptoms associated with life stress: changing unhealthy habits, relaxation, and appropriate use of medications. http://www.impactpublishers.com/crisis/preston.htm __________________ “Don't compromise yourself. You're all you've got ” – Janis Joplin Last edited by Brina; 03-02-2006 at 04:56..

17-05-2005, 07:02	#2
Giselle Companion Join Date: Jan 2005 Posts: 8,801 Gender: F	thanks Brina! (have you been reading my mind though) :) __________________ Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword? For I am persuaded that neither death nor life, nor angels nor principalities nor powers, nor things present nor things to come, nor height nor depth, nor any other created thing, shall be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord. Rom. 8: 35, 38-39

02-02-2006, 21:59	#8
Bugsy Support Staff Small Group Moderator Prayer Team Member Join Date: Aug 2004 Posts: 82,052 Gender: F	(((((Brina))))) i somehow missed this too...good info, thanks for posting this :) __________________ About CS \| Profile \| Affirmations \| Prayer \| Donate And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to His purpose. Romans 8:28

03-02-2006, 00:18	#9
c_turtlez Member Join Date: Dec 2005 Posts: 662	Thank you for sharing this Brina. __________________ Be gentle with yourself, learn to love yourself, to forgive yourself, for only as we have the right attitude toward ourselves can we have the right attitude toward others. - Wilfred Peterson

03-02-2006, 03:11	#11
Brina Senior Staff Support Staff Small Group Moderator PA to Small Group Coordinator Join Date: Jun 2002 Location: Australia Posts: 24,732 Gender: F Mood: No Hugs	(((((((great big grouphug))))))))) __________________ “Don't compromise yourself. You're all you've got ” – Janis Joplin

17-05-2005, 07:26	#3
breadlady1225 Member Join Date: May 2005 Posts: 4,116 Gender: F	Brina...Thanks. This was very appropriate for me right where I am at now in my healing.

24-05-2005, 00:52	#4
Antoinette Member Join Date: May 2005 Location: USA Posts: 76	Thank you Brina this was very good and helpful. I know for me emotional pain has been one of the hard ones for me to deal with only for the fact that it is so "unseen" and so I always used to tell myself that it wasnt a big thing compared to the other things i have been through. Unfortunately it not being a big thing is so far from reality. Ive realized that even though I didnt acknowledge its effects the effects were/are still there in how we see oursleves and how we have let people treat us based on our self worth. Anyway thanks for sharing this. Antoinette

29-06-2005, 21:55	#5
Seuss Member Join Date: Jun 2005 Location: Kansas Posts: 5 Mood: depressed	Thank you for the very helpful information.

02-02-2006, 19:48	#6
Ddubya Support Staff Small Group Moderator Prayer Team Member Join Date: Sep 2004 Location: Planet Earth Posts: 18,680 Gender: F Mood: uncomfortably numb	(((Brina))))) Somehow I missed this the first time around..... thank you!

02-02-2006, 20:43	#7
WitsEnd Companion Join Date: Nov 2005 Location: desert of SE Washington state Posts: 7,467 Gender: F	{{{{{ brina whew. on top of all of the physical pain right now ... i'm really aware of a lot of emotional pain. it's hard enough to manage self-care regarding the physical needs and limitations ... but tossing the emotional baggage on top lately has put me into a real tailspin. :sigh: appropriately using medications is one of my current approaches ... well supervised use of the pain medications as well as something for the anxiety and insomnia. they are working probably to the best of their abilities, but fall far short of the needs. there is the real frustration ... that the things that keep popping up and overwhelming me are "situational" ... "circumstances" that i have no means of controlling. and they blind-side me. knock me off my feet. leave me in a heap feeling that i've been run over by not just a mack truck but by a whole convoy of them {all of whom then stopped, backed up and went over me a 2nd time before going back over me yet again} i struggle with trying to keep things in perspective. the pressures of NOW vs waiting upon God's timing. i know that curling up and hiding solves nothing. but there are times when i don't know how else to handle it. it isn't running into a brick wall .... it is finding that a brick wall has been constructed all the way around me and no one rememerbered to leave a door or gate in it. today ..... i'm trying to focus on Him. trying to remember that He is sovereign. that He is Lord of all. that He has plans for me, to prosper me and not to harm me, but to give me hope and a future. but somedays ... it's mighty hard to focus. Witsey

03-02-2006, 02:58	#10
cwigl Member Join Date: Aug 2005 Location: Western USA Posts: 6,521 Gender: F	((((Brina)))) I feel like you have gotten inside my head, and know exactly what i feel like right now. We are facing one of the most difficult time of our lives, and I don't know how to feel... i just make myself go blank... and that hurts. I worry for my husband, because he just pushes it away... won't admit that our daughter is so sick... but i know, admit it...but won't let myself feel. Thanks for this post. I really needed to read it. Probably will read it over and over again. cj

03-02-2006, 03:28	#12
appleblossom Retired Staff Member Join Date: Jan 2005 Posts: 20,409 Gender: F	(((Brina))) Thank you. A lot of this is what I have been feeling.

03-02-2006, 04:39	#13
debbiej Member Join Date: Jul 2005 Location: New York Posts: 568 Gender: F Mood: on a journey	Brina :hug: Thanks for this. This is exactly what I've been going through. I also tried to ignore it and pretend that nothing was wrong. It caught up with me though to the point I couldn't function in my job. I now have 3 months off to work some of this out with my T. We're trying new meds, and therapy which involves the anger and rage I have at my dad. I haven't been able to express that yet- It's too scary. Thanks for writing so well what many of us are feeling. I don't feel so alone with my feelings and fears. debbiej

03-02-2006, 15:48	#14
connieb7 Member Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: Nashville Posts: 68 Mood: Working on it...	Well, I've committed the second and third primary errors. I hear the phrases in the second error in my head a lot. And I've told myself the third error, because I was taught to by previous pastors, in their attempt to counsel me. Thank you for helping me to see that these are lies.

22-02-2006, 20:20	#15
Erin Companion Join Date: Sep 2005 Location: Central Coast N.S.W. Posts: 1,068 Gender: F	Thanks Brina. I really needed to read this, it is so much me. __________________

05-07-2008, 02:53	#16
Jsea Companion Join Date: Oct 2007 Location: Texas, USA Posts: 8,630 Gender: F Mood: Deep Blue	Thanks for reposting this, Ann! Very good.

05-07-2008, 02:59	#17
aslan's girl Companion Join Date: Jun 2006 Location: Narnia Posts: 6,057 Gender: F Mood: no hugs please	thanks __________________

05-10-2008, 01:39	#18
Angel Wings member Join Date: Mar 2008 Posts: 9,417 Gender: F	What I would like to know. Can we ever get pass the emotional pain? It will come to an end won't it? How do you heal of the trauma?

05-10-2008, 03:27	#19
Brina Senior Staff Support Staff Small Group Moderator PA to Small Group Coordinator Join Date: Jun 2002 Location: Australia Posts: 24,732 Gender: F Mood: No Hugs	good questions to ask your therapist angel wings and to work out a plan for therapy and the direction you would like it to go in. __________________ “Don't compromise yourself. You're all you've got ” – Janis Joplin

05-10-2008, 16:48	#20
Katey Member Join Date: Sep 2008 Location: FL Posts: 345 Gender: F Mood: overcoming	Brina, these resources are soooo extremely helpful to me! Thank you!! katey

06-10-2008, 01:29	#21
Angel Wings member Join Date: Mar 2008 Posts: 9,417 Gender: F	Well, October 21-23 I'm going somewhere to get some help on some of my issues of now. Thanks Brina.

16-10-2008, 15:52	#22
Ann Support Staff Small Group Moderator Prayer Team Member Join Date: Feb 2004 Location: USA Posts: 24,707 Gender: F	(((angel wings))) __________________ Forum News \| Donate \| Profile \| Prayer \| Resources My God is changeless in his love for me, and he will come and help me. Psalm 59:10

17-10-2008, 04:18	#23
Angel Wings member Join Date: Mar 2008 Posts: 9,417 Gender: F	I also have a c apt. Nov. 6. So I should get pretty healed up.

18-10-2008, 16:56	#24
Luvs2Dance Member Join Date: Nov 2007 Location: USA Posts: 3,524 Gender: F Mood: Living for my King!!!:D	thanks Brina!This is very helpful __________________ Luvs2Dance Jesus Christ- The same yesterday, today, and forever.

13-01-2009, 16:24	#25
Ann Support Staff Small Group Moderator Prayer Team Member Join Date: Feb 2004 Location: USA Posts: 24,707 Gender: F	(((angel wings)) (((luv2dance)) __________________ Forum News \| Donate \| Profile \| Prayer \| Resources My God is changeless in his love for me, and he will come and help me. Psalm 59:10

24-01-2009, 11:27	#26
thebrightside Member Join Date: Jan 2009 Posts: 74 Gender: F	this was exactly what i needed to read today.....

25-01-2009, 03:41	#27
Ann Support Staff Small Group Moderator Prayer Team Member Join Date: Feb 2004 Location: USA Posts: 24,707 Gender: F	I am glad thebrightside! It is good info!:) __________________ Forum News \| Donate \| Profile \| Prayer \| Resources My God is changeless in his love for me, and he will come and help me. Psalm 59:10

06-09-2009, 21:23	#28
cantsleep Member Join Date: Jun 2005 Location: usa Posts: 258 Gender: F Mood: waiting..	glad to have the reaffirming info.

15-01-2010, 01:36	#29
blessing Member Join Date: Jan 2010 Posts: 101 Gender: F Mood: :(	Thanks a bunch Brina. Wonder where you get your ra-ther accurate info from at times. The Net can be rather misleading. =)