Characteristics of Codependency

[Brina]

Symptoms of Codependency:

Inability to know what "normal" is.

Difficulty in following a project through.

Difficulty having fun.

Judging self, others without mercy.

Low self esteem, often projected onto others. (eg: Why don't they get their act together!)

Difficulty in developing or sustaining meaningful relationships.

Belief that others cause or are responsible for the codependent's emotions.


(Codependents often use language like "you make me feel ______", or "I was made to feel like____")


Overreacting to change. (or intense fear of / inability to deal with change.)

Inability to see alternatives to situations, thus responding very impulsively.

Constantly seeking approval and affirmation, yet having compromised sense of self.

Feelings of being different.

Confusion and sense of inadequacy.

Being either super responsible or super irresponsible. (Or alternating between these.)

Lack of self confidence in making decisions, no sense of power in making choices.

Feeling of fear, insecurity, inadequacy, guilt, hurt, and shame which are denied.

Isolation and fear of people, resentment of authority figures.

Fear of anger or bottling anger up till it explodes.

Hypersensitivity to criticism.

Being addicted to excitement / drama. (Chaos making.)

Dependency upon others and fear of abandonment.

Avoidance of relationships to guard against abandonment fears.

Confusion between love and pity.

Tendency to look for "victims" to help.

Rigidity and need to control.

Lies, when it would be just as easy to tell the truth.

Are you codependent?


Melody Beattie, author of Codependent No More developed this check list:

Do you feel responsible for other people--their feelings, thoughts, actions, choices, wants, needs, well-being and destiny?

Do you feel compelled to help people solve their problems or by trying to take care of their feelings?

Do you find it easier to feel and express anger about injustices done to others than about injustices done to you?

Do you feel safest and most comfortable when you are giving to others?

Do you feel insecure and guilty when someone gives to you?

Do you feel empty, bored and worthless if you don't have someone else to take care of, a problem to solve, or a crisis to deal with?

Are you often unable to stop talking, thinking and worrying about other people and their problems?

Do you lose interest in your own life when you are in love?

Do you stay in relationships that don't work and tolerate abuse in order to keep people loving you?


Do you leave bad relationships only to form new ones that don't work, either?

[Sinead]

I guess some of these apply but not all thank god :)

[Pthalo]

Sinead, I think for every disorder out there, there will be little things that apply to everybody. It's because we're human and not perfect and stuff. Take "feeling different" I think every teenager feels that way growing up and maybe every adult feels it from time to time. I know I sure do. And I think also many survivors would feel that way. I also have trouble knowing what "normal" is, but I think that's more a part of the abuse and PTSD than a part of codependency, just because I don't have most of the symptoms just a few.

[Brina]

:dito: to Pthalo

we all have a bit of this. some of that. and a touch of the other. its sadly what the end results are of abuse. but it doesnt have to stay that way and it wont.

[Sinead]

Pthalo tis true eh ! I guess reading too you can see where you used to be and where you are now and see growth and healing and also the reasons why :) I hear ya :)

Thanks Brina! :cow:

[Ddubya]

(((((Brina))))) :yellbloom Thanks for posting this... I can see myself in those lists.. yikes!

[Jenny]

Doing some of the stuff that Amanda has put on codependency in Running the Race has helped me immensely but I still struggle all the time with codependent issues. Thanks for posting this Brina! It is so concise and easy to read and understand and I think it has given me a few more ideas on what I really need to work on.

[Susie]

susie struggles with a lot of this too sad to say, mostly the self esteem issues, i plan on doing my darndest to stay away from a relationship until i figure out WHY in the world i married 2 jerk a zoids back to back.... i don' recognize abuse as abuse still.... it stinks.....

[writegirl1949]

I have Beattie's book ... have had it for years. I've read it and worked through it but I guess what hurts the most is that it "didn't take." I've gone through lots of recovery books but that list from the book ... I'm all of them. The only glimmer of hope I see is that I worked through all the books when I didn't have a clue I'd been sexually abused. Maybe my own ignorance kept me from learning. Not sure. But at times, I feel so angry that I have these codependent behaviors, can't stop them, and see no end in sight.

Is it possible that I was blind to the "real" truth?

So sad, Writegirl

[mgdaisy]

Inability to know what "normal" is. how does anyone know what normal is?

Difficulty in following a project through.i call this the disease of procrastination, yeah, i've got it!

Difficulty having fun.no, i think i have fun, but not very often, but i don't think it's difficult to have fun.

Judging self, others without mercy. yup, i'm a judger!

Low self esteem, often projected onto others. (eg: Why don't they get their act together!) yup, me again

Difficulty in developing or sustaining meaningful relationships.i have developed and sustained meaningful relationships, but it doesn't come easy, but should it come easy?

Belief that others cause or are responsible for the codependent's emotions. yeah, i think other people are the cause of my problems sometimes, i mean, i think g is the cause of most of my problems now? i mean, he is the one who started all of this, right, so isn't he the cause?


(Codependents often use language like "you make me feel ______", or "I was made to feel like____") yup i use those phrases


Overreacting to change. (or intense fear of / inability to deal with change.) well, i kind of like change, in certain situations, but in other situations i don't, but i don't think i have a difficulty coping with change

Inability to see alternatives to situations, thus responding very impulsively. hi, my name is ****, and i'm an impulsive responder! i've been a compulsive responder for, um, 32 years!

Constantly seeking approval and affirmation, yet having compromised sense of self. yup, i'm always looking for approval and affirmation

Feelings of being different. doesn't everyone feel different?

Confusion and sense of inadequacy. yeah, i feel inadequate, a lot

Being either super responsible or super irresponsible. (Or alternating between these.) i think i'm more to the super responsible side, but i do alternate between the two also

Lack of self confidence in making decisions, no sense of power in making choices. yeah, if i'm in a group of people and we have to decide where to go out to eat, i can't do it. i'm not good at decision making, not at all

Feeling of fear, insecurity, inadequacy, guilt, hurt, and shame which are denied. yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes

Isolation and fear of people, resentment of authority figures. i do not like authority figures, not at all

Fear of anger or bottling anger up till it explodes. i'm a bottler, and then i explode, and spew everything out so i can fill up the bottle again

Hypersensitivity to criticism. i'm better at it than i used to be

Being addicted to excitement / drama. (Chaos making.) nope, not me

Dependency upon others and fear of abandonment. um, don't think so

Avoidance of relationships to guard against abandonment fears. yeah, i do avoid relationships, but i don't think it's because of abandonment fear, but maybe it is?

Confusion between love and pity. um, what does this mean?

Tendency to look for "victims" to help. yes, i constantly have people who are hurting around me, and i'm always trying to help them

Rigidity and need to control. not rigid, but sometimes i don't like it if i'm not in control

Lies, when it would be just as easy to tell the truth. yeah, i do that

Are you codependent? i don't know, that's why i'm answering to all of these things to see if i am


Melody Beattie, author of Codependent No More developed this check list:

Do you feel responsible for other people--their feelings, thoughts, actions, choices, wants, needs, well-being and destiny? yeah, i do

Do you feel compelled to help people solve their problems or by trying to take care of their feelings? yes

Do you find it easier to feel and express anger about injustices done to others than about injustices done to you? YES, YES

Do you feel safest and most comfortable when you are giving to others? yes

Do you feel insecure and guilty when someone gives to you? yes, i feel unworthy, undeserving

Do you feel empty, bored and worthless if you don't have someone else to take care of, a problem to solve, or a crisis to deal with? yes

Are you often unable to stop talking, thinking and worrying about other people and their problems? not talking, but thinking and worrying, yeah it's hard not to do that

Do you lose interest in your own life when you are in love? don't know, never been in love (at least i don't think i have)

Do you stay in relationships that don't work and tolerate abuse in order to keep people loving you? yeah, but it think i'm getting better at that


Do you leave bad relationships only to form new ones that don't work, either? yeah, sometimes


ok, so, i guess i'm codependent, huh?

[Blossom]

oh i hate this co dependency thing
i didnt know if i was or not, but someone suggested i may be, so i am looking into this

blossom

[smudge]

Thanks for starting this thread - I am only just starting to learn about codependency. Although I knew I had an irrational drive to try and 'save' other people - especially self-destructive family members who had abused me - but it's only been the last few days that I've realised this might be codependency. Something I found helpful was an idea I read yesterday that in a codependent relationship, apparently, there is usually an aggressor and a... well a non-aggressor! I can easily identify who is which in my relationships! I did manage to distance myself from the 2 main people I was codependent with (my Dad and my brother) but had to do it 'cold turkey'. I would like to still be in a relationship with them and help/support them, but recognise that I am probably not able to do that without damaging myself... Ho hum!

[breadlady1225]

this was good for me to read now. It is helping me to clarify my codependant areas and to also see what I am changing. It is also helping me to see that my changing thought process, ie, grey area acceptance is a good one. I am expecially working on taking focus off of somebody else and taking care of me. Emotionally, physically, etc....working on balance too. Thanks for this. It is good.

[Elaine]

Thanks (((((((((((Brina))))))))))) for staring this list, reading through it makes me realise how I am with out me knowing it "sigh" from elaine

[Newsong]

I recently got both of Melody Beatties books from the library and I just wanted to share what I found on the front cover flap of Beyond Codependency:


"In recovery, writes Beattie, we stop enduring life and begin to live it.
Insead of obssessively trying control others, we learn to detach.
Instead of allowing others to hurt and use us, we set boundaries.
Instead of reacting, we learn to relax and let things settle into place.
We replace tunnel vision with perspective.
We forgo worrrying and denial, and learn constructivee problem-solving skills.
We learn to feel and express our feelings
We learn to value what we want and need
We stop punishing ourselves for other people's problems, nonsense, and insanity.
We stop expecting ourselves to be perfect and
we stop expecting perfection of others."

I thought this would make a good way to evaluate our progress on our healing journey...

Good health and hope and life to you all.

[Poncho]

That is very intriguing

[alaco]

Weird. I show 13 of the characteristics list, but only one 'yes' to the questions. Is that a yes or no for codependency?

Annette

[Poncho]

That is very true Findingme and thanks for posting those characteristics. It helps us to monitor our progress. My goodness, I have made a great progress in my healing journey.

I pray for the emotional well-being to ALL of us here.

[Chickie]

"Inability to know what "normal" is."
Normal is setting on a washing machine ;)

[Eagle]

This is good information for all of us who struggle for balance with other ppl. :nod:

[museek]

Originally Posted by Pthalo

Sinead, I think for every disorder out there, there will be little things that apply to everybody. It's because we're human and not perfect and stuff. Take "feeling different" I think every teenager feels that way growing up and maybe every adult feels it from time to time. I know I sure do. And I think also many survivors would feel that way. I also have trouble knowing what "normal" is, but I think that's more a part of the abuse and PTSD than a part of codependency, just because I don't have most of the symptoms just a few.

You are correct. When I first began going to al-anon to learn what to do about my husband's addiction issues, many people tried to convince me I was co-dependent. I began wondering if it was so and wondered how I was "enabling" or contributing to the problem. This can be a double-edged sword for someone who suffers from PTSD. I know now that I wasn't co-dependent or in denial. I was very aware of the problems and truly stuck finding a solution. Little by little, it has come, but just because it doesn't happen in the time frame others believe it should does not mean one is in denial or co-dependent.

Prior to going to al-anon I had suffered from complex PTSD due to prior childhood abuse and a couple of serious incidents which nearly took my life. I had SOME of the same symptoms as many co-dependents too.

Then I did the workbook _Treating PTSD for battered women_ and realized that it was the trauma which was keeping me in a holding pattern and not co-dependency. Whether or not you are in an abusive relationship (physically or psychologically) this book is worthwhile checking out because it details the difference between PTSD symptoms and those labeled 'codependency' and 'denial'. Those terms are pop-psychology and not really beneficial to someone who has suffered from PTSD. You're already worried enough dealing with your own difficulties, you don't need to worry needlessly about things that don't clinically apply to you. If you are able, go to a therapist to determine what is going on.

You can find the book at a site called newharbinger

Originally Posted by mgdaisy

Inability to know what "normal" is. how does anyone know what normal is?
. . . ok, so, i guess i'm codependent, huh?

There is not really a clinical definition for co-dependency.

Many battered women (whether physical or through psychological/verbal abuse of addict's behavior) come to therapy believing they are codependent. Denial and codependence are neither relevant nor meaningful in cognitive trauma therapy which is used to treat PTSD. They are nothing more than summary labels for certain behaviors which does not explain why a person behaves the way they do under certain circumstances. It must be taken within context. There are simpler, more straightforward ways of explaining or understanding the behaviors involved in these two so-called personality traits. These are loosely defined pop psychology terms and confusing, potentially harmful terms used to describe a person suffering from PTSD. Codependence and denial say nothing about the causes of the behavior to which they refer, nor do they suggest a solution or course of treatment.

These labels are unhelpful and even disrespectful in the case of PTSD sufferers. PTSD is a natural reaction to trauma. You are/were not crazy if you suffer or have suffered from PTSD. It is a natural human response and it takes time to heal, just like any other wound. People who find themselves on the other side of addiction and abusive behaviors resulting from addiction are right to go seek treatment and places like al-anon are very helpful in determining what that is but without knowing about things like "hindsight bias" and other clinical terms, they can wind up even more confused. Its best to talk to a professional.

The labels codependence and denial are tautologies.

Consider the following conversation as an example:

A: "She's in denial"
B: "How can you tell?"
A: "She's staying in an abusive relationship, and yet says she is not a battered woman."
B: "Why is she staying and why is she saying she is not battered?
A: "I already told you. It's because she is in denial"

The label denial isn't an explanation. In that hypothetical conversation, the first person hasn't offered any evidence that the hypothesized trait of denial is the cause of this woman staying in the relationship. Same with codependence.

I hope you will remember this before you become any more confused than you already are during difficult times.