The Process Of Recovery From Abuse

**Brina** · 13-02-2005, 08:42

The process of recovery from abuse is long, demanding and very individual. It requires and deserves much support and safety from other people.

When one has been abused, remembering your past is discovering who you are.

Recovery involves accepting, understanding and releasing feelings. It entails connecting behavior, thoughts and feelings both in the past and in the present.

Recovery is learning about choice, learning how to take care of yourself and learning that it is OK to take care of yourself. It is learning about choice.

If you move the "yuck" out, there is some room for joy.

The timing of recovery might not be when you want. It is important to honor your own process and realize that it is never ending.

"The core experiences [of child abuse] are disempowerment and disconnection from others. Recovery, therefore, is based upon the empowerment of the survivor and the creation of new connections [with people]. Recovery can take place only within the context of relationships; it cannot occur in isolation. In his/her renewed connections with other people, the survivor recreates the psychological faculties that were damaged or deformed by the [abuse] experience..." "Recovery unfolds in three stages. The central task of the first stage is the establishment of safety. The central task of the second stage is remembrance and mourning. The central task of the third stage is reconnection with ordinary life." Judith Lewis Herman, M.D.

Discussion - The Process of Recovery from Abuse

Remembering, feeling bad, feeling guilty, accepting, hoping, naming it, believing it and being believed, having someone listen without judgment and telling are all part of the initial process of recovery from abuse.

Recovery from abuse takes a long, long time. It requires stamina, support and safety, both internally and externally. Old habits must change. A survivor must learn to trust, to grieve, to breathe (“if not, you can’t feel”). It involves confrontation, changing one’s beliefs of self and the world, feelings of confusion, rage, dealing with family and relationships, learning how to take care of one’s self, discovering the power to choose and overcoming unreal and terminal “niceness”.

Survivors will encounter periods of time where they feel guilty and have a fear of not being loved. They feel that love is conditional. They let go of what’s not real, such as taking care of everyone else, not taking care of themselves and defining boundaries. They let go of the fantasies, like “everyone will love me” and “I can get back what was lost”. There is utter despair when survivors let go of dreams, and emotions like anger, fear and sadness are felt. It’s critical that a survivor have all of these feelings. “If you can have these feelings, if you move the ‘yuck’ out, there’s some room for joy.” They discover the power to choose.

Working through shame takes a long time. Often a survivor takes two steps forward, on step sideways. Recovery is intermittent. “You must do a lot of stuff you don’t want to do.” Such as learning to accept that the timing of recovery might not be when it’s wanted, honoring one’s own process and realizing that the process is never-ending.

There is a lot of secrecy in abuse. In recovering, survivors break the secret and the silence. They listen to their own voice, a voice they have been taught not to hear, and give themselves permission. They must unlearn their lives and what they’ve been taught. They must find out who they are through gender identification, their physical body, by retaking possession of their physical body and by finding their “person”inity.

Elements of recovery can be concurrent, intermittent, simultaneous, continual, not on linear time and run as parallel processes. Survivors revisit these elements with different intensities of emotion and cognition throughout their recovery, and experience a blending of feelings, thought and behavior.

Key Themes

Recovery is accepting and releasing feelings, connecting with behavior and thought. It is also remembering your past, discovering who you are, and choosing how you will live.

source: Michael C. Irving

Saved1st_ · 13-02-2005, 09:47

Brina, thanks for the posting.
I have found through years of processing.......
it has alot to do with being abandoned.......this applies to parents, and etc.
Trust is still an issue for me, but I have gotten better.
I'd like to let ya all know....and don't know if some are ready for this....
when I was in my early 30's, i delibrately took the time and went back, and confronted my abusers. it just didn't happen over nite, it was something that i worked up to in my healing process. even went as far as going to the police and filed a affidavid so it would be on record if other people were abused by them, so that the police would know that the child was telling the truth.
there are some things that stay with you even though you have worked through many of the issues, and it DOES get better. Not all sexual abuse survivors are able to confront the individualf....but it is a healing process also if one gets to that point.
I don't know if this makes any sense, but hope it helps someone, or give you food for thought.
Thinking and praying for your inner peace.....for you can only take one day at a time..
remember, God is WITH you, and DOES LOVE all of YOU.
In Christ,
Saved

Sinead · 13-02-2005, 10:20

:cowtoss: Brina! thanks so much for your post sweet Cara .It was very good .LOve you:cow:

eleanor · 13-02-2005, 13:13

Thanks for posting Brina. It was very interesting. Could identify with it.

unknown · 13-02-2005, 13:21

really needed to read this..thank you..

mavelle · 13-02-2005, 21:24

(((((((((((((Brina))))))))))))))

Thanks for the info!!

mavelle

Giselle · 13-02-2005, 21:36

Oh my gosh,((( Brina))), this is EXACTLY the kind of info. I've been wanting to know. Thank you so much for posting this!! It's SOOOOOO helpful!

Take care-
Giselle

kate · 13-02-2005, 22:19

thank you for posting this Brina

from kate

Kriscrossed · 14-02-2005, 00:39

Thank you Brina for posting this..it is very helpful..I am going to begin counseling tomorrow so I will take those things into account. thank you again

littlechild · 14-02-2005, 00:59

TY Brina ((((Brina))))

Created · 14-02-2005, 01:44

Thanks Brina!
wise words,eh?

**Brina** · 14-02-2005, 02:57

you're welcome everyone im glad it is of help to you all

:)

Jsea · 07-05-2008, 00:56

Very helpful post, Brina. Glad you brought this back.

Thanks.

Forget me not · 07-05-2008, 11:01

Thanks Brina - I recognise the 'unreal and terminal niceness', and this really made me chuckle. I've found that each time I get to know a bit more of my anger, I can actually be a genuinely nicer person afterwards, because I want to be not because I have to be. When that happens, the healing process makes sense!

Von · 09-05-2008, 04:01

Brina ,this is terrific stuff. So much to digest, a really helpful and well thought out overview. Thank you, Von

JohnBoy · 27-06-2008, 21:03

I appreciate this post.

JohnBoy

**Ann** · 30-06-2008, 13:49

Good post!

SonShine · 19-07-2008, 15:23

Quote:

Originally Posted by Brina

There is a lot of secrecy in abuse. In recovering, survivors break the secret and the silence. They listen to their own voice, a voice they have been taught not to hear, and give themselves permission. They must unlearn their lives and what they’ve been taught. They must find out who they are through gender identification, their physical body, by retaking possession of their physical body and by finding their “person”inity.

Excellent post. I've read the book by Judith Herman that the quote you used came from...excellent rescource for me.

Brina, or anyone, do you have more explaination/interpretation for this part that I've quoted here? I kinda of get it...but not quite. What does this part look like irl? What type of things, activities, actions, etc is it associated with?
I think this hits on the part of the process I'm in and have been trying to 'find my way' through...if that makes sense???

**Ann** · 24-07-2008, 00:18

(((Sonshine)) My thoughts are, it just means learning to rethink who I am and what I want and like. I think as an abused child, I learned to just sometimes stifle who I was to keep safe. Good question SonShine, you make alot of sense.

SonShine · 24-07-2008, 21:04

Thank you (((Ann))). That's good food for thought.
I think that's a lot of what this part of my journey is...rethinking, discovering, learning, etc.
It's like being introduced to myself ..."nice to meet me" :laugh:
It's such a mystery...

**Ann** · 06-08-2008, 13:57

(((Sonshine))) it is a journey and glad you joined us here on it!

Snow Angel · 06-08-2008, 14:44

Brina, Another great post. Things I am thinking and wondering about? The things below are points I either don't understand, don't believe I am capable of doing and therefore things I really need to work. I have added these to my journal and it's a great place to start working.

Thank you so much for all the great information, it is always so helpful. Not always what I want to hear but I am learning I have too, if I want to be free.

Recovery is learning about choice, learning how to take care of yourself and learning that it is OK to take care of yourself. It is learning about choice.

Recovery, therefore, is based upon the empowerment of the survivor and the creation of new connections [with people]. Recovery can take place only within the context of relationships; it cannot occur in isolation. In his/her renewed connections with other people, the survivor recreates the psychological faculties that were damaged or deformed by the [abuse] experience..."

A survivor must learn to trust, to grieve, to breathe (“if not, you can’t feel”). It involves confrontation, changing one’s beliefs of self and the world,

, learning how to take care of one’s self, discovering the power to choose and overcoming unreal and terminal “niceness”.

They let go of the fantasies, like “everyone will love me” and “I can get back what was lost”. There is utter despair when survivors let go of dreams, and emotions like anger, fear and sadness are felt. It’s critical that a survivor have all of these feelings. “If you can have these feelings, if you move the ‘yuck’ out, there’s some room for joy.”

listen to MY own voice, a voice they have been taught not to hear,

must find out who I AM by finding their “person”inity.

Recovery is accepting and releasing feelings, connecting with behavior and thought. It is also remembering your past, discovering who you are, and choosing how you will live.

Thanks again Brina

**Ann** · 11-08-2008, 20:21

(((Lost and Found))) Great idea to add them to your journal , you are doing great work!

Snow Angel · 12-08-2008, 12:22

Ann,

Thank you for your encouragement and support. I have a lot of work to do but this information is giving me someplace to start.

**Ann** · 06-09-2008, 03:52

Your Welcome! It is a journey for sure!

gracious · 09-09-2008, 06:12

LAF, I found your post really helpful, I have only recently started remembering what happened to me but you have helped put into words what I am going through. Sometimes I wish it wasn't such a struggle to accept that not only do I have choices, but I also have to chose to make them (if that makes sense). Thanks again, lots of things to think about

AmeliaKatie · 11-09-2008, 22:07

Thanks Brina it's helped answer some questions I had.It's helped me identify that I'm still at the "remembering and mourning" stage and also struggling with the anger bit.

debbiej · 11-09-2008, 23:45

Brina, this is just what I was looking for today. I've been in and out of therapy for many years and some of my support people, one in particular, thinks that when I have a "melt down" I'm looking for pity. Thanks! debbiej

**Ann** · 07-10-2008, 16:36

(((AmeliaKatie)) (((gracious))) (((debbie)))

gracious · 07-10-2008, 18:11

Thanks Ann, jut what I needed today. Can't do hugs in real life, but am just getting able to accept cyber ones!! gracious

13-02-2005, 08:42	#1
Brina Senior Staff Support Staff Small Group Moderator PA to Small Group Coordinator Join Date: Jun 2002 Location: Australia Posts: 24,750 Gender: F Mood: No Hugs	The Process Of Recovery From Abuse The process of recovery from abuse is long, demanding and very individual. It requires and deserves much support and safety from other people. When one has been abused, remembering your past is discovering who you are. Recovery involves accepting, understanding and releasing feelings. It entails connecting behavior, thoughts and feelings both in the past and in the present. Recovery is learning about choice, learning how to take care of yourself and learning that it is OK to take care of yourself. It is learning about choice. If you move the "yuck" out, there is some room for joy. The timing of recovery might not be when you want. It is important to honor your own process and realize that it is never ending. "The core experiences [of child abuse] are disempowerment and disconnection from others. Recovery, therefore, is based upon the empowerment of the survivor and the creation of new connections [with people]. Recovery can take place only within the context of relationships; it cannot occur in isolation. In his/her renewed connections with other people, the survivor recreates the psychological faculties that were damaged or deformed by the [abuse] experience..." "Recovery unfolds in three stages. The central task of the first stage is the establishment of safety. The central task of the second stage is remembrance and mourning. The central task of the third stage is reconnection with ordinary life." Judith Lewis Herman, M.D. Discussion - The Process of Recovery from Abuse Remembering, feeling bad, feeling guilty, accepting, hoping, naming it, believing it and being believed, having someone listen without judgment and telling are all part of the initial process of recovery from abuse. Recovery from abuse takes a long, long time. It requires stamina, support and safety, both internally and externally. Old habits must change. A survivor must learn to trust, to grieve, to breathe (“if not, you can’t feel”). It involves confrontation, changing one’s beliefs of self and the world, feelings of confusion, rage, dealing with family and relationships, learning how to take care of one’s self, discovering the power to choose and overcoming unreal and terminal “niceness”. Survivors will encounter periods of time where they feel guilty and have a fear of not being loved. They feel that love is conditional. They let go of what’s not real, such as taking care of everyone else, not taking care of themselves and defining boundaries. They let go of the fantasies, like “everyone will love me” and “I can get back what was lost”. There is utter despair when survivors let go of dreams, and emotions like anger, fear and sadness are felt. It’s critical that a survivor have all of these feelings. “If you can have these feelings, if you move the ‘yuck’ out, there’s some room for joy.” They discover the power to choose. Working through shame takes a long time. Often a survivor takes two steps forward, on step sideways. Recovery is intermittent. “You must do a lot of stuff you don’t want to do.” Such as learning to accept that the timing of recovery might not be when it’s wanted, honoring one’s own process and realizing that the process is never-ending. There is a lot of secrecy in abuse. In recovering, survivors break the secret and the silence. They listen to their own voice, a voice they have been taught not to hear, and give themselves permission. They must unlearn their lives and what they’ve been taught. They must find out who they are through gender identification, their physical body, by retaking possession of their physical body and by finding their “person”inity. Elements of recovery can be concurrent, intermittent, simultaneous, continual, not on linear time and run as parallel processes. Survivors revisit these elements with different intensities of emotion and cognition throughout their recovery, and experience a blending of feelings, thought and behavior. Key Themes Recovery is accepting and releasing feelings, connecting with behavior and thought. It is also remembering your past, discovering who you are, and choosing how you will live. source: Michael C. Irving __________________ “Don't compromise yourself. You're all you've got ” – Janis Joplin

13-02-2005, 10:20	#3
Sinead Companion Join Date: Jun 2002 Posts: 7,813 Mood: OK	:cowtoss: Brina! thanks so much for your post sweet Cara .It was very good .LOve you:cow: Last edited by Sinead; 13-02-2005 at 10:25..

13-02-2005, 13:13	#4
eleanor Member Join Date: Mar 2004 Location: uk Posts: 9,489 Gender: F Mood: very scared	Thanks for posting Brina. It was very interesting. Could identify with it. __________________

14-02-2005, 00:39	#9
Kriscrossed Member Join Date: Jan 2005 Location: Florida Posts: 1,982 Mood: Only you, Jesus!	Thank you Brina for posting this..it is very helpful..I am going to begin counseling tomorrow so I will take those things into account. thank you again __________________ Though I walk in the midst of trouble,you preserve my life; you stretch out your hand against the anger of my foes, with your right hand you save me. Psalm 138:7

14-02-2005, 00:59	#10
littlechild Member Join Date: Jul 2004 Posts: 310 Gender: F	TY Brina ((((Brina)))) __________________

13-02-2005, 09:47	#2
Saved1st_ Member Join Date: Feb 2005 Location: Midwest - USA Posts: 55 Mood: Searching	Brina, thanks for the posting. I have found through years of processing....... it has alot to do with being abandoned.......this applies to parents, and etc. Trust is still an issue for me, but I have gotten better. I'd like to let ya all know....and don't know if some are ready for this.... when I was in my early 30's, i delibrately took the time and went back, and confronted my abusers. it just didn't happen over nite, it was something that i worked up to in my healing process. even went as far as going to the police and filed a affidavid so it would be on record if other people were abused by them, so that the police would know that the child was telling the truth. there are some things that stay with you even though you have worked through many of the issues, and it DOES get better. Not all sexual abuse survivors are able to confront the individualf....but it is a healing process also if one gets to that point. I don't know if this makes any sense, but hope it helps someone, or give you food for thought. Thinking and praying for your inner peace.....for you can only take one day at a time.. remember, God is WITH you, and DOES LOVE all of YOU. In Christ, Saved

13-02-2005, 13:21	#5
unknown Companion Join Date: Aug 2003 Posts: 1,422	really needed to read this..thank you..

13-02-2005, 21:24	#6
mavelle Companion Join Date: Jul 2004 Location: Canada Posts: 7,821 Gender: F Mood: trying to motivate myself	(((((((((((((Brina)))))))))))))) Thanks for the info!! mavelle

13-02-2005, 21:36	#7
Giselle Companion Join Date: Jan 2005 Posts: 8,801 Gender: F	Oh my gosh,((( Brina))), this is EXACTLY the kind of info. I've been wanting to know. Thank you so much for posting this!! It's SOOOOOO helpful! Take care- Giselle

13-02-2005, 22:19	#8
kate Member Join Date: Jan 2005 Location: england Posts: 593 Gender: F Mood: ok	thank you for posting this Brina from kate

14-02-2005, 01:44	#11
Created Companion Join Date: Jan 2004 Posts: 5,368 Gender: F Mood: crashing	Thanks Brina! wise words,eh? __________________

14-02-2005, 02:57	#12
Brina Senior Staff Support Staff Small Group Moderator PA to Small Group Coordinator Join Date: Jun 2002 Location: Australia Posts: 24,750 Gender: F Mood: No Hugs	you're welcome everyone im glad it is of help to you all :) __________________ “Don't compromise yourself. You're all you've got ” – Janis Joplin

07-05-2008, 00:56	#13
Jsea Companion Join Date: Oct 2007 Location: Texas, USA Posts: 8,630 Gender: F Mood: Deep Blue	Very helpful post, Brina. Glad you brought this back. Thanks.

07-05-2008, 11:01	#14
Forget me not Member Join Date: Apr 2008 Posts: 932 Gender: F	Thanks Brina - I recognise the 'unreal and terminal niceness', and this really made me chuckle. I've found that each time I get to know a bit more of my anger, I can actually be a genuinely nicer person afterwards, because I want to be not because I have to be. When that happens, the healing process makes sense!

09-05-2008, 04:01	#15
Von Member Join Date: Mar 2008 Location: Midwestern USA Posts: 175 Gender: F Mood: ever changing moods	Brina ,this is terrific stuff. So much to digest, a really helpful and well thought out overview. Thank you, Von

27-06-2008, 21:03	#16
JohnBoy Companion Join Date: Jun 2008 Posts: 1,251 Gender: M	I appreciate this post. JohnBoy

30-06-2008, 13:49	#17
Ann Support Staff Small Group Moderator Prayer Team Member Join Date: Feb 2004 Location: USA Posts: 24,726 Gender: F	Good post! __________________ Forum News \| Donate \| Profile \| Prayer \| Resources My God is changeless in his love for me, and he will come and help me. Psalm 59:10

24-07-2008, 00:18	#19
Ann Support Staff Small Group Moderator Prayer Team Member Join Date: Feb 2004 Location: USA Posts: 24,726 Gender: F	(((Sonshine)) My thoughts are, it just means learning to rethink who I am and what I want and like. I think as an abused child, I learned to just sometimes stifle who I was to keep safe. Good question SonShine, you make alot of sense. __________________ Forum News \| Donate \| Profile \| Prayer \| Resources My God is changeless in his love for me, and he will come and help me. Psalm 59:10

24-07-2008, 21:04	#20
SonShine Companion Join Date: Apr 2008 Location: Free Indeed Posts: 3,172 Gender: F Mood: Feeling like SonShine	Thank you (((Ann))). That's good food for thought. I think that's a lot of what this part of my journey is...rethinking, discovering, learning, etc. It's like being introduced to myself ..."nice to meet me" :laugh: It's such a mystery... __________________ SonShine (Previous screen name = nowme)

06-08-2008, 13:57	#21
Ann Support Staff Small Group Moderator Prayer Team Member Join Date: Feb 2004 Location: USA Posts: 24,726 Gender: F	(((Sonshine))) it is a journey and glad you joined us here on it! __________________ Forum News \| Donate \| Profile \| Prayer \| Resources My God is changeless in his love for me, and he will come and help me. Psalm 59:10

06-08-2008, 14:44	#22
Snow Angel Companion Join Date: Jun 2008 Location: US Posts: 1,785 Gender: F Mood: Scared	Brina, Another great post. Things I am thinking and wondering about? The things below are points I either don't understand, don't believe I am capable of doing and therefore things I really need to work. I have added these to my journal and it's a great place to start working. Thank you so much for all the great information, it is always so helpful. Not always what I want to hear but I am learning I have too, if I want to be free. Recovery is learning about choice, learning how to take care of yourself and learning that it is OK to take care of yourself. It is learning about choice. Recovery, therefore, is based upon the empowerment of the survivor and the creation of new connections [with people]. Recovery can take place only within the context of relationships; it cannot occur in isolation. In his/her renewed connections with other people, the survivor recreates the psychological faculties that were damaged or deformed by the [abuse] experience..." A survivor must learn to trust, to grieve, to breathe (“if not, you can’t feel”). It involves confrontation, changing one’s beliefs of self and the world, , learning how to take care of one’s self, discovering the power to choose and overcoming unreal and terminal “niceness”. They let go of the fantasies, like “everyone will love me” and “I can get back what was lost”. There is utter despair when survivors let go of dreams, and emotions like anger, fear and sadness are felt. It’s critical that a survivor have all of these feelings. “If you can have these feelings, if you move the ‘yuck’ out, there’s some room for joy.” listen to MY own voice, a voice they have been taught not to hear, must find out who I AM by finding their “person”inity. Recovery is accepting and releasing feelings, connecting with behavior and thought. It is also remembering your past, discovering who you are, and choosing how you will live. Thanks again Brina Last edited by Snow Angel; 06-08-2008 at 14:46..

11-08-2008, 20:21	#23
Ann Support Staff Small Group Moderator Prayer Team Member Join Date: Feb 2004 Location: USA Posts: 24,726 Gender: F	(((Lost and Found))) Great idea to add them to your journal , you are doing great work! __________________ Forum News \| Donate \| Profile \| Prayer \| Resources My God is changeless in his love for me, and he will come and help me. Psalm 59:10

12-08-2008, 12:22	#24
Snow Angel Companion Join Date: Jun 2008 Location: US Posts: 1,785 Gender: F Mood: Scared	Ann, Thank you for your encouragement and support. I have a lot of work to do but this information is giving me someplace to start.

06-09-2008, 03:52	#25
Ann Support Staff Small Group Moderator Prayer Team Member Join Date: Feb 2004 Location: USA Posts: 24,726 Gender: F	Your Welcome! It is a journey for sure! __________________ Forum News \| Donate \| Profile \| Prayer \| Resources My God is changeless in his love for me, and he will come and help me. Psalm 59:10

09-09-2008, 06:12	#26
gracious Member Join Date: Aug 2008 Location: England Posts: 60 Gender: F	LAF, I found your post really helpful, I have only recently started remembering what happened to me but you have helped put into words what I am going through. Sometimes I wish it wasn't such a struggle to accept that not only do I have choices, but I also have to chose to make them (if that makes sense). Thanks again, lots of things to think about

11-09-2008, 22:07	#27
AmeliaKatie Member Join Date: Oct 2007 Location: England Posts: 723 Gender: F Mood: Questioning way forward	Thanks Brina it's helped answer some questions I had.It's helped me identify that I'm still at the "remembering and mourning" stage and also struggling with the anger bit. __________________ "Help me to remember Lord that nothings going to happen today that you and I can't handle together"

11-09-2008, 23:45	#28
debbiej Member Join Date: Jul 2005 Location: New York Posts: 568 Gender: F Mood: on a journey	Brina, this is just what I was looking for today. I've been in and out of therapy for many years and some of my support people, one in particular, thinks that when I have a "melt down" I'm looking for pity. Thanks! debbiej __________________ "God is my shepherd! I don't need a thing. You have bedded me down in lush meadows, you find me quiet pools to drink from. True to your word, you let me catch my breath and send me in the right direction." ~ Psalm 23 ~

07-10-2008, 16:36	#29
Ann Support Staff Small Group Moderator Prayer Team Member Join Date: Feb 2004 Location: USA Posts: 24,726 Gender: F	(((AmeliaKatie)) (((gracious))) (((debbie))) __________________ Forum News \| Donate \| Profile \| Prayer \| Resources My God is changeless in his love for me, and he will come and help me. Psalm 59:10

07-10-2008, 18:11	#30
gracious Member Join Date: Aug 2008 Location: England Posts: 60 Gender: F	Thanks Ann, jut what I needed today. Can't do hugs in real life, but am just getting able to accept cyber ones!! gracious